Confessions
by Trial of Ash
Summary: Tender moment between Okita and Hijikata after the Ikedaya incident. How long before it's too late?


Spoilers: None…just a continuation from the night after the attack at Ikeda-Ya. Please R & R, I welcome constructive comments only.

Disclaimer: They belong to me….In my dreams only!

**CONFESSION**

Hijikata closed the shoji quietly and knelt down by Souji's futon. He couldn't believe he miscalculated to this extend, he should have known that Yoshida would be hidden in the Ikeda-Ya, because of his mistake his First Captain was down. No matter what Okita Souji would like others to believe, he alone knew that when Souji becomes the Demon he won't stop fighting until the fatal strike was handled to him. Even when his ill wracked body screamed against his blood conscious mind, the Demon Child will never heed.

Hijikata was enraged by his own incompetence to protect Souji, he looked at Souji's heavily bruised chest as he cleaned his hair with a wet warm cloth to wipe off the blood that has clumped and dried up and flinched as the image of Yoshida crushing Souji's chest floated up in his mind. He was thankful that Tetsu was there and silently blessed whatever God that was up in the heavens, he can't imagine if Yoshida had succeeded in stabbing his katana into Souji….

"Hijikata, the physician is here." Kondo announced from outside the bedchamber.

"Come in." Hijikata said and threw the bloodied cloth into the basin of hot water. He moved aside as the physician settled down and went on to examine Souji's wounds. He watched as the physician felt for any signs of broken bones, fortunately he found none. The physician continued to clean and picked out the bamboo splinters from the chest armor that had engaged itself in Souji's skin where Yoshida crushed it and proceed to wrap up his chest securely with gauze after smoothing some salve on. The physician took his pulse and bend down to hear his breathing. He looked at Hijikata and asked that if they were aware that Souji was this sick, they should not have asked him to participate in any missions at all. He informed Hijikata that Souji's condition has deteriorated and that it would be best if he was to be pulled out of all future assignments.

"He will be fine, he has always been strong….he won't succumbed to this illness! I won't let him!" Hijikata said while looking at Souji's pale form, his voice trembled from the fear of the possibility that this could be the end for his beloved. His most beloved and he never told him so.

"It's not that bad. He has just over exerted himself, but do not engage him in battle again. Let him have a good rest, his body can only take so much. Make sure he consumed these thrice a day" The physician said passing him a packet of dried herbs, a bag of brownish looking powder and a small tin of herbal salve.

Hijikata looked at the brown powder with distaste, Souji hated the bitter concoction, still he would consumed it without complaint knowing that it would keep him alive for whatever time that was left. As a medicine practitioner, Hijikata would sometimes procured herbs know for their soothing effect for sweet tea just to provide Souji a little relief from the bitterness

Hijikata could not envision a life without Souji. For these past twelve years, they have never been apart. Souji had grown from the naïve, innocent boy to the Shinsengumi Demon that he is now. He has never been proud of the fact that he was the one who taught Souji how to kill but he can't say that he regretted it either.

He already misses their teatime sessions when Souji would groom his hair and smear on his favorite Choji oil while lying on the tatami mats, he loved to listen to Souji's soothing voice talk about the petty issues of life and Souji's gentle laughter when teasing his paltry attempts at Heiku. All these made him forget about the inconsequential war Japan was going through. When it seems that during those hours, the world exists only for them and they could afford to be oblivious to reality and lay bare their souls to each other.

He chuckled at the memory of Souji holding his katana for the first time, he could barely stand upright with the sword almost as tall as him. Souji's beaming face whenever Hijikata bought candies back from town for him. The sulking and brooding Souji does every time he left for an assassination without him and how Souji would sneak into his room to curl up underneath his futons and lay on his chest on cold rainy nights to gain some warmth. He wondered how Souji became the Demon that he was and still managed to offer that untainted, innocent smile to everyone in every situation.

He also remembered the physical reaction Souji ignited in him when he got older, how he tried not to shiver when Souji traced his pale long fingers across his scarred covered back when he thought he was asleep, as if he could erase all ugly memories left by the battles they have gone through just by touching them. He remembered how aroused he would get whenever Souji scrubbed his body in the hot bath, how he tried to fight it and hope that the steam and movements of the water would not let Souji notice. Thinking back now, he realizes that Souji always seemed to be blushing when his hands brushed too close to his hips…

"Hah...hah...hah…he must have noticed." His soft chuckle awakens Souji, perplexed by Hijikata's laughter, he frowned.

"Toshi...I…" said Souji, trying to sit up and reached for his ribbon to tie his unruly hair.

"Don't talk or move, just go back to rest. I have told Saitou to take over your responsibilities. You don't have to worry about anything…" said Hijikata.

"Hummf…I am so sorry… I can't hold it back…can't be strong to fight beside you…" said Souji apologetically.

"Souji…..What matters isn't your sword to aid me in my battles…Saitou's and Sano's sword are for that purpose, more importantly to me is your existence to maintain my sanity, to remind me I that am human and…that…that I have someone waiting for me to come home to…" Hijikata whispered and gently brushed off the stray strands of hair off Souji's face and grazed his thumb over his soft lips. Lips that he has never dared to kiss because he always tried so hard not to allow his desires to show through. But no longer would he withhold his emotions, he did not want to have any regrets should one day Souji…..

Souji looked up at Hijikata in surprise and shocked, all those years of longing and waiting has finally resulted in this confession. Hijikata has finally freed him of the ties between a Commander and his Captain, finally given him the permission to embrace his feelings for him.

"Toshi, I never thought you would want me to be a pillar for you to lean on but I am content even if you have used me as a shield to shelter your body from a lethal blow….even just to be the pipe that you smoke…I will be content with it because it shows that you need me….in which ever way that is….I hope you are not saying all these because you are afraid of not fulfilling my wishes before I die… I would rather not received your love at all should it be given under these circumstances…winter snow can hide no treasures, everything will still putrefy once exposed to the summer heat" Souji said.

"You once said that if we don't move, we will be parted by the darkness, the flowers and the flowing water, if I say I do not feel for you it would be a heinous lie. My heart can no longer deny the obvious, neither can it take the pain of letting you go, if that happens we will be parted not by the darkness of ambiguity and the flowers of seasons but by my useless pride…You are too important for me to lose, the ache of losing you alone will kill me!"

Hijikata replied harshly and slammed his hand on the futon, anguished that the heavens had bestowed this unbreakable curse on Souji, frustrated that he could do nothing to help ease Souji discomforts or the pain he has to endure, feelings of uselessness and desperateness every time he sees Souji suffering because of it.

Souji could no longer hold back his tears, he released all the suppressed emotions held within him since all those years ago when Hijikata told him that such a love would be inconceivable, that it will not last. They are both demons meant to live for each battle that comes along, not for their personal emotions. Their lives are given to Japan, to die for her cause and adopt her ideals as theirs. Furthermore, a love for a man can never be accepted in the world they live in, feelings like theirs only exist in a brothel house where men are used only for pleasures.

Taking Hijikata's hand, Souji kissed each finger with reverence and remembrance of all the things he has taught him. Hijikata taught him how to accept the humiliation of accepting a defeat so that he could keep his life and obtain his honor once again when the enemy got too arrogant to be careful, taught him the way of the sword and how to live by it, taught him that to be merciful, he will have to be ruthless and most of all taught him how to be an immortal in front of the enemies so that he could conquer them just by fear alone. The only lesson that Hijikata left out, was to teach Souji how not to let his gentle nature and fiery passions that was hidden so deep in his heart, that only Souji has seen in the moments they spent alone, crept and buried itself deep in Souji's heart.

Souji whispered Hijikata's name as he lower his head and kissed him. Souji grasped the collar of Hijikata's black yukata as Hijikata licked and softly nibble his luscious lips, slowly he started to probe with his tongue, seeking approval for entrance tentatively. With a whimper, Souji parted his lips and Hijikata slide his tongue along Souji's inner lip before meeting Souji's tongue's shy greeting.

"You know, after so long…I thought you would be a bit more…passionate…hah…" Hijikata whispered and smile against Souji's lips.

"I can't help it, you are just too overpowering….just be glad that I did not dissolve into a puddle of water!" Souji pulled away from Hijikata's embrace and retorted with a petulant pout. Tickled by his reaction, Hijikata grabbed Souji's sash and pulled him towards his taut manhood with an evil glint in his eyes.

"I am glad my sensuality was such a force of nature to you, which means I have to be gentle. Because unlike you, I can hardly control myself…you don't seem to realize the effect you have on me. Do you?" Hijikata asked as he swooped down once again to capture Souji's lips.

"Mmmff…I…am a sick…mmmfff person…mind…yo…" Souji struggled to speak and resist the warm heat that was spreading all over his body and that wonderful aching longing between his loins. Hijikata's lips trail a path down to Souji's ivory smooth neck as he guided one of Souji's hands in between his thighs under his yukata and wrapped them around his painfully erected manhood. Souji let out a soft moan and trembled as Hijikata's lips moved down, he threaded his fingers through Hijikata's soft jet black hair and arched his back wincing as the pain from his wound course through him. Souji ignored the pain as pleasures from Hijikata's touches overcame it.

"This is what happens…every time my skin feels your touch, I want to ravish you there and then…do you know how it feels to restraint myself for so long, to deny this attraction that I feel for you, _**Souji**_?" Hijikata's deep husky sensual growl echo in Souji's head making him dizzy and he blushed fiercely to hear the ever serious Hijikata make such a confession in within earshot of the other Shinsengumi members nearby, even though he knew Hijikata to be a passionate being. Souji just can't help feeling overwhelmed.

Then he remembered that everyone was still in a buzz walking around the compound! Hastily Souji pushed Hijikata away and crawled towards the door, ignoring the pain in his chest, he bended down low near the tatami, he slowly glide the shoji opened and peek out only to sigh in relief when he discovered no one outside.

Glaring at Hijikata, he stomped back to his futon and sat with a huff. "Have you lost your mind? Kondo San or Yamamani San or anyone for that matter could have just walked in!" Souji frowned at him, still blushing furiously.

"I think they are well aware of what's going on between us...and you really don't seem to be in pain after surviving such a battering from that guy." Hijikata said with a taunt of a smile as he caressed Souji's cheek and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Surprised by Souji sweet, childish temper, he realized he might have gone too fast for him.

"I am not as weak as you think I am, alright!" Souji replied in defiance.

"I don't want to agitate you so I will leave you to rest." Hijikata said as he gathered up Souji's hair and tied it up for him.

"Where are you going?" Souji asked as he grabbed the hem of Hijikata's yukata, feeling lonely even before he stepped out of the door. Souji started to feel slightly guilty after Hijikata's smothering confession that he couldn't even return his fervor, when all the time he was pining for him.

"I will have to make a trip to Muzuki Village with Yamanami San, we will be back before sundown, so don't worry and have a good rest. I will inform Tetsu to prepare your medicine and tell them not to disturb you." With that said Hijikata left the room.

Souji leaned out onto the hallway and gazed at his disappearing figure, wishing that they were not involved in this revolution. The Imperialist's assassins were a group of highly skilled and extremely lethal men to fight against and only a few men in Shinsengumi could be on par with them. Every time Hijikata went for a mission, Souji worries himself to death, shutting himself in Hijikata's room waiting for him to return in the darkness. They have lost a great number of men ever since the revolution started but to Souji as long as Hijikata is safe he has no concerns for others, selfish as he knew that was, nothing else matters if he were to exist in a world without Hijikata. He would be a mere shadow, a vessel of emptiness left to wander the land of the livings.

The moon was up and the sparrows had ceased to chirp, still Hijikata had not return with Yamanami San. Souji looked at his dinner and medication on the tray, long gone cold. He stood up, threw his haori around him to keep him warm in the chilly night and walked towards the main gate. He sat into a comfortable position and leaned against the imposing wooden gate and sat down staring into the darkness of the planting fields that lay across the entire foot of the mountains.

Meanwhile, Hijikata had just left Mizuki Village. The assassinator that they were looking for had escaped after he had gotten wind that the Shinsengumi was sending some of their captains to capture him. They tried to look in the Village after Mizuki, but to no avail. If they could capture this assassin of the Ishinshi-shin Group, they will have access to the plans that the lap dogs of the Imperialist's have made. Apparently, even a simple village like Mizuki could not escape the corruption of the Tokugawa.

Hijikata stood over Souji who was laying in deep sleep and once again felt irate at himself to see Souji out in the cold night so expose, he scooped up Souji's limpid body, relieved Yamanami of his duties and stormed towards the direction of his bedchamber. He tucked Souji securely between the futon and went looking for Tetsu. He found him in the courtyard by the well, doing the laundry. He sighed deeply and glared at him.

"I thought I told you to take care of him but he has not eaten his dinner nor has he taken his medicine." Hijikata said.

"Well, I can't force him if he insists on waiting for you. You know very well how stubborn he can get!" Tetsu scowled at him. "Anyway, where's Susumu? He's still not back yet?"

"Yes, I got him to follow Suzu since I believed there will be other members of the Tokugawa who would want to confirm Yoshida's death. I saw him carrying his head from the compound…." Hijikata replied.

"Oh…I see…" Tetsu bowed his head and felt sorry for Suzu. Now they can no longer cross the bridge between them, Suzu's hatred for him would not be that easily forgotten.

"Souji, wake up…you need to take your medication" Hijikata whispered into Souji's ears, he would prefer not to wake him from his sweet slumber but he had started coughing again.

"Humm…" Souji opened his eyes and looked straight into Hijikata's loving gaze. "You are finally back" said Souji.

"I am sorry. When I saw you sleeping out there, I felt like such a jerk to be leaving you alone when you needed someone to take care of you…anyway, you should have been more careful, you were so vulnerable to an attack sitting outside that way!" Hijikata grumbled as he grabbed Souji's hands and ran his thumb along his wrist. Souji turned all gooey to hear Hijikata speak to him with such affection, which he has never done before and he wondered gleefully if he would ever get used to this.

Hijikata was always so cool, sleek and proud, always wearing a disdainful scowl and vicious expression making him seem unapproachable, so much so that whenever Hijikata talks no one dares to interrupt, what he commands, no one dares to disobey. Only Souji could flout him without any repercussions although Hijikata would reprimand him privately, lamenting that his authority would be lost if Souji kept his act up, even though being the First Captain is fairly high up in the hierarchy, Souji should refrain himself and not flaunt his privilege as his favorite. Only when they are alone does Hijikata allow his patience and gentleness to show through. Somehow it made Souji felt that only with him does Hijikata feels safe enough to show his true colors.

Souji got into a sitting position and stretched his limbs, his stomach gnawed with hunger and he regretted not having taken his dinner. He looked up at Hijikata's face and saw his tiredness and worry; he cupped Hijikata's strong chiseled face with his slender hands and leaned towards him.

"Instead of worrying about me, you should try to take care of yourself more. You are the one who has to carry everything on your shoulder, you are not God. There is Kondo and Yamanami San to help you, let them share your burden, you have to think more about yourself" said Souji as he lain onto Hijikata's broad toned chest.

He marveled at their differences, where Souji is built fair, lean and slender totally devoid of any rough edges with big round violet eyes and hair so black that they seemed purple most of the time, Hijikata's body is all scrawny taut muscles, tall, tan and sharp like the katana that he carries around with him with piercing black eyes and long jet black hair. Where Souji's voice is mellow and gentle, Hijikata's voice is deep and velvety. When Souji's is prone to smiling at seemingly no reasons at all and reminds every one of spring, Hijikata seems to permanently have a storm cloud over his head.

Souji does not know when did Hijikata become such a big part of his life or when did the feelings of friendship and admiration deepen into love for this beautiful and arrogant creature, he was only grateful that Hijikata did not shun him when he professed his love for him. In fact Hijikata does not seem to mind the constant physical closeness that he seeks, he always pretended not to notice Souji's stolen caresses. Even when he took refuge beside Hijikata beneath his futons during cold stormy nights or when he leaned against Hijikata's back when he's smoking his pipe. Hijikata acted as if such behavior was the most natural thing to happen after a man confesses to have more than platonic thoughts about him.

"Hey, I don't have any candies but you still have to swallow this." Hijikata said and held the bowl of medicine up for him. Souji looked at it, scrunched his face, pursed his lips and turned his face away. Hijikata roar with laughter spilling half the bowl of the medication in the process.

"Stop acting like a little child and don't make me waste it, just down it while holding your breath and you won't taste the bitterness." Hijikata said, trying to convince him. Souji just looked at him and frown fiercely "well, if you insist…" Hijikata said as he took a swig of it and kissed Souji, forcing the bitter liquid down his throat and nearly choking him as well.

"Arggghhh….! What are you trying to do? Kill me? Yucks… I hate that taste so much!" Souji yelled and reached for his tea. Hijikata smiled and pulled Souji back into his arms.

"I thought my kiss would make it more palatable for you, my love" Hijikata teased as he reached into his sleeve and magically produce a small cloth bag full of candies. Souji glared at him, snatched the bag from his hands and hurriedly popped one into his mouth.

Hijikata marveled at the how the smaller man consume candy as if it is part of his daily meal and felt a slight pang of guilt, deprived of a proper childhood under his care, all Souji had for a toy was a wooden sword and "playtime" was always spent in the dojo training. It seems that Souji was making up for the lost time and experiences by "babysitting" the neighborhood kids and gorging on candies when every opportunity presents itself.

He leans forward and pushed the bowl in front of Souji reminding him to finish his medicine and watch him swallow the reminding in one big mouthful. He stayed with Souji waiting for the effect of the medicine to lull him to sleep, his thoughts were grave and heavy as he looked at the sleeping form and wondered for how long would he be able to enjoy such moments with the violet hair man.


End file.
